12 months ago, Iva was born. One year. 525,600 minutes, according to the musical, Rent. Though, 2016 is a leap year, so it’s probably more than that.
I’m not sure what the bigger achievement is, that we have successfully kept her alive this long, or that she has successfully endured what must amount to ineptitude on some days.
Here are some of the things we learned, some from personal experience, some passed down to us from parents who came before. If you’re expecting your first child, read this. It may contradict what others have told you, so take it with a grain of salt. Every parental experience is different, I’m throwing this out as another drop in the ocean of wisdom to new parents.
Breast feeding isn’t everything
When you check in at the hospital, or in some cases when completing registrations several weeks prior to labor beginning, you’ll be asked what you want to do about feeding your child. Usually there are three options: 1) Breast milk only; 2) Formula; 3) Breast milk with formula supplement.
I recommend either option 2 or option 3, on this ground: If you tell the hospital that you’ll only do Breast Milk, they aren’t going to feed the baby formula under any circumstance unless you change your mind. And since none of the nurses made the suggestion, we didn’t think to ask. It wasn’t until the last day or so that we realized we could supplement momblob’s non-cooperative breasts with formula and have a happier baby.
It isn’t consistent — some women just can’t breastfeed. Some can’t breastfeed with the first, but do just fine with the second baby. Don’t feel guilty because your breasts are slow or entirely uncooperative. See one lactation consultant and get their advice. If it won’t work, feed your baby that which you can get out and then supplement the rest. Remember — it wasn’t so many years ago that we saw a lot of babies dying with an affliction termed “failure to thrive.” We’re expecting that a significant number of those are related to mom not being able to adequately provide for her child. Today we have formula and other supplemental options. Take advantage of them.
Any time the birth has something weird, it’s scary
I’m not usually one to get scared, but our little girl had pooped in the womb and then got pulled out via a Cesarean delivery. They warned us that it would happen but I still wasn’t ready for when it happened. I was behind a screen, could barely see anything. All I saw once she came out and they chopped the cord was a couple of surgery team members rush what appeared to be a tiny lifeless body over to the receiving table. In reality it was probably about 20 seconds, but it felt like an eternity between when that happened and when they had sucked all of the meconium out of her lungs and stimulated her into a cry.
Expect something to go wrong, but listen carefully to the doctors and nurses as they explain what to expect in your specific scenario. Ask questions. Most of all, don’t panic — this is why you (or, hopefully, insurance) are paying big bucks to help you through this significant life event.
Hospital rules can be stupid, but they are for a reason (and sometimes the reason is stupid)
As a considerate parent, I wanted to help Momblob and give her a chance to rest. I also felt it was important that we learn for ourselves how to calm Iva so that we could take that knowledge home with us.
This was fine in concept, but two serious considerations must be made. Iva was calm after she was being held and rocked for a couple of minutes, so we needed to pick her up. In order to let Mom sleep, we wanted to remove her from the room where her every cry was a disturbance to very-hormonal-and-hypersensitive-mommy.
Here-in lies the problem. There was no place in the hospital where it was acceptable to have Iva out of her crib except a) in our room, and b) in the nursery (where parents weren’t allowed). We were left with trying to keep her calm while pushing the crib around the floor, keeping her in the room and disturbing Momblob every 5 minutes, or sending her to the nursery where she would be well cared for but we wouldn’t be able to learn anything.
Nurses are awesome, but take their advice cautiously
Related to above, we had a rough time in the newborn unit. Momblob had been through 40+ hours of labor and was exhausted. It ended in an emergency C-section that she had been dreading, and when it was finally decided, she had a panic attack in response. She barely slept, I slept little more. We were tired and overwhelmed, and in both collective and cycling states of excitement, dread, happiness, sadness, etc. Not a good time to be making life-impacting decisions, and certainly not a good time to be getting conflicting instructions or advice.
In the space of three days we had three different nurses (who were trained lactation specialists) give us three very different recommendations on how to encourage breastfeeding. It helped a little, but the mixed (and sometimes conflicting) messages weren’t handled well. When we were finally released, we visited one of the two lactation consultants at our pediatrician’s office — the look on her face as we described that experience was horrifying. She about blew up in rage at the nurses and the advice given. Amusing — in retrospect.
Enough ragging on the hospital (for now).
Nurses are awesome, take their advice on food
When I was working awful hours and commuting great distances, I learned two things very quickly – where to get gas, and where to get food at death-o’clock. There was a lot of overlap for me.
When you’re awake at 3am, the nurses are often well versed in what in the area is open, how far away it is, cuisine and quality. Need Indian food? They can probably point you in the right direction. Need pancakes? They’ll give you directions to IHOP.
Once the child is born, you no longer exist
Really, it’s true. At least for the first few months, you are often no longer considered. Your feelings are not asked about, your input not considered, the only thing of importance is that you bring your baby with you. And then it’s all about the child.
Friends and family: Try to contain your excitement. We know, the baby is cute, and you love it, and you want to spend every waking hour (at least, the ones she isn’t screaming or crying) with your new niece/nephew/grandchild/cousin/buddy. We like her too. But we also exist. Greet us first every once in a while. Ask how we’re doing, not just how she is.
Craigslist (et al) is a great place to get cheap baby gear
Second hand stuff in general is just awesome. It’s either free or cheap, and so long as you are careful…
One of our close friends gave us a car seat. It wasn’t expired and they were done needing it, so our way it came. We checked it over to be as sure as we could that it was safe, and washed the fabric portions before using it.
It was one of those modular ones where it lifts in and out of base pieces that could be more permanently mounted in the car, and also fitted in specifically designed strollers.
The car seat and one base was free, we paid full price for another base, and bought two strollers from Craigslist. Again, we washed the fabric portions, but they’ve held up remarkably well. We keep one stroller at home and one at the grandparent’s house so that there is one less massively bulky item to transport.
The car seat and first base will both expire before we will be ready for #2, but the second base should be good to go, and the strollers will also continue to see use.
We picked up an Ergo baby carrier from Craigslist which has served us well, also.
10/10, would do again.
Baby clothing sizes are stupid
If there is one thing worse in terms of consistency than women’s clothing sizes, it’s baby clothing sizes. We’ve had “newborn” onesies bigger than some 0-3mo ones. We’ve been wearing a handful of 6-9mo clothes while outgrowing some 9-12mo clothes.
Many brands are consistent within themselves, but this isn’t always reliable either. At the very least, most Sleepers (from a brand) will be consistent, as will most Onesies — even if they aren’t the same sizes between those.
There’s much to be said for actually trying things on, or taking the risk that what you’re buying won’t fit.
It shouldn’t need to be said, but the sizes listed are guidelines. We’re turning twelve months today, and wearing a number of 18-month pieces. We grew faster than average, it would seem. It might be worth communicating this clearly to friends and relatives if they might be buying clothing for your child; it’s at least frustrating, if not embarrassing, when they show up with clothes that are the wrong size. It’s worse when they’re too small and wearing them is just not possible.
Line up daycare early
If you have done the math and mom has to go back to work, get on daycare lists early. If you are pregnant and you haven’t done this yet, make calls and send emails now. Stop reading this post, and go do it. We’ll wait.
Welcome back. We waited until a few weeks before due date and really lucked out that there was a space in a center with half decent reviews. It worked out for us, but we were still glad it happened pre-birth.
To further this point, corporate daycare isn’t as bad as it sounds. We’re with a corporate-owned facility which has daycare centers across the region and the country. I couldn’t tell — they have the resources of being a large organization but the focus and attention of an independent center. We don’t feel like she gets significantly more or less care or attention than an in-home center or with a dedicated nanny — especially once the costs are balanced out and the caveats considered.
Stick to the schedule at any cost
Breaking the schedule is a recipe for disaster. Try it once, and find out. That way you’ll know if changing the schedule for one-off events is worth it — it’s usually not. Take efforts to impart to family, friends, and other visitors that your child naps or goes to bed at these times, and endeavor to ensure those naps happen, on time. Plan trips and events around the baby’s schedule, both for sleeping and for eating. You might miss out on a few exciting things, but not having to pay for it later is beyond worthwhile.
Just when you think you have it down…
The schedule will change. Three naps down to two, 2oz bottles up to 4oz up to 6oz. Purely liquid diets and into solids, adding in snacks. Sleeping through the night, then regression. Sleeping through the night, then teeth. Sleeping through the night, then more teeth. Sleeping through the night, then….who knows why she’s awake this time. It never ends.
Discuss expected issues early on
My wife and I talked multiple times both before and after birth about things we were worried about. The key thing for us was getting up in the middle of the night to provide care. Momblob is a relatively light sleeper with very little patience. Dadblob is a very heavy sleeper who is often slow moving when he does finally rouse. Not a good combination. We talked about it, and came to the conclusion that if Mom woke me up, I’d be more than happy to help. Most often I would wake up to find Mom frustratedly handling whatever situation it was because I was either unshakable or was moving too slow. I won’t lie — there was some tension. Worst of all for me, I was still getting interrupted sleep — I had all of the downsides of having a newborn and taking care of it in the middle of the night, but none of the benefits of having actually done any work.
Maybe one of you works shift-work, maybe one is a deep sleeper. maybe one of you is on-call and is liable to have a loudly ringing phone in the middle of the night that wakes the baby. Talk it through first, come up with game plans.
When in doubt, ask
I haven’t had it too much, but I know friends who have had first kids describe multiple trips to doctors or emergency rooms and they are looked at strangely and asked “…so, first kid?” A lot of the things you’ll see in your kid will scare you. Kids have weird things happen to them all the time, some of them are actually dangerous.
If you have any doubt, take them in to be checked on, or at least call and ask. Our pediatrician’s office has an on-call number that puts you in contact with one of the doctors at any time of day or night so that they can advise over the phone, for free, if they think it’s something that needs to be looked at immediately by the folks at the emergency room (or call 911 for an ambulance), or if they think it’s something that can wait until morning. Or, they think it’s nothing, stop projecting hypochondria.
Don’t sweat the small stuff (or, clothing color isn’t everything)
This seems to apply most to the parents of girls, but expect at least half of your interactions with strangers to begin, or at least contain, a reference asking for information about your child which uses the wrong gender. I’ve come to the conclusion that some people have trained themselves to look for specific clues, and if they aren’t there then their preconceived notion of your baby’s gender must be accurate.
Not wearing pink? Must be a boy. No bow in the hair? Must be a boy. Has dinosaurs on the t-shirt? Must be a boy. One time my wife was changing Iva in a bathroom (think about it for a second) when a woman came up and asked what his name was. Momblob says she just kinda looked down at where the diaper hadn’t yet been replaced, and said “uh…. HER name…”
Be Prepared (That’s the Boy Scout’s Solemn Creed)
Your kid will explode poop from their diaper some time or another. Your kid will spit up, throw up, leak pee from their diaper, and almost certainly at the worst possible time (when driving through That neighborhood, or when 100 miles from home, or when they were wearing that Special Outfit for an event you were going to. Or all of the above, simultaneously.)
We keep a complete change of clothes with us (now started carrying two, ask us why…), usually have enough for one additional bottle of formula than we expected, and we still have problems.
Every kid is different
While there are defined “normal” ranges for things, every kid is different. My kid is twelve months old and only has four teeth. I had 6 or 8 by six months. Some kids are speaking specific words by now, others aren’t speaking at all. Mine just says ‘da’ or ‘ma’ or ‘ba’ or ‘ya’ – most often repeating. She’s growing more consistent in referring to Dog (da), Dad (dada) and Mom (mama).
In the same vein, sometimes the books and articles are amazing and so close to accurate that you wonder if it was written specifically for your kid. That isn’t the same for every occasion. Expect your child to be different, it proves that we’re all in some way special.
Your child is special. He or she is a reflection of both his parents, their positive and negative attributes — sometimes one parent or the other, more often some conflagration of the two together.
There are days you want to actually throw her
Not to do any real damage, just enough to make the nurses at the hospital take care of her for a while. Just remember, Child Protective Services will want to have a stern chat with you if that happens.
Instead…
Figure out what calms your baby
The Star Is Great, The Star Is Wise, Listen To The Star
For the first 3-6 months there was a singing star that kept us sane. It helped her sleep, it at least calmed her down, and it let us relax a little and even sleep.
Now it’s music — Barenaked Ladies, The Beards, and Cookie Monster are her favorite artists.
It won’t stay static, and may or may not change faster if that method is abused or overused. But figure out what it is and use it to your advantage.
Figure out what calms you
More than once we listened to Tim Minchin’s Lullaby (Lyrics) at 3am. I suspect more than once that saved Iva’s life because in that time we de-stressed enough to refocus on what her issue was, and focus away from thoughts of throwing her across the room in frustration.
Whether it’s listening to specific humorous pieces of music, having a quick drink, taking the family for a quick drive (sometimes this calms everyone as baby falls asleep), making a late night run to IHOP or Sheetz or McDonalds. You need to find a way to de-stress in a way that doesn’t leave your baby uncared for, even for a minute.
It’s especially in this region that I am in awe of single parents. I know when I need a break, and I’m grateful that I can hand her off. I can’t imagine not having that option. My hat is off to you all.
Good luck
Every baby is a journey in discovery — of self, of spouse/SO, of family, of friends, and of your new little one(s).
Every baby is unique in some way, you just need to identify it and enjoy it or care for it as best you can.
Every baby presents challenges, you are called to face them head on. Or at least, in a vaguely defensive side-on position. Or laying down, because you’re exhausted.
You are not alone. If you need a hand, call friends, call family, call anyone. They don’t even need to hold the baby if they don’t want to, they just need to keep you sane (or be prepared to make the horrible call when you very clearly aren’t). Someone to take the baby from you and tell you to go and sleep, they’ll take care of it.
And from that experience, learn how appreciative you were to have someone help you in that way and do the same thing for the next person you have opportunity to help.
